Finding My Seine-ter

The sun has been out and the weather has been beautiful here in Paris as of late, and I've taken to the streets to explore the area around my apartment on foot. Not surprisingly, though, I keep finding myself wandering towards the gardens nearby, then on to the banks of the Seine, and eventually into the center of town.

The rose window at Notre Dame, brilliantly sun-lit.

The small gazebo in the Jardins des Plantes.

This trips have been more than just enjoying the city, sunshine, and exercise. They've been therapeutic. My life had been so crazy in the months leading up to this trip, I never had the time (outside of the darkroom) to ponder the bigger questions in my life. I was so off centered that I had lost sigh of the things I wanted out of life, and what I need to do to be happy. I've had time to think about the people in my life, which relationships are worth keeping, and how friendships will work in the time after college.

More importantly, I've realized how much I want companionship. Not friendship. I have plenty of that here. This trip has made me come to terms with how much I want to share my life with someone, in an inherently romantic and special way, and I've started to think about who and why I date, and why my past relationships haven't worked.

It started just before I left, when I downloaded Wander the Rainbow by David Jedeikin for the plane ride here. It continued when I saw this video from DaveyWavey (Warning, he has even less of a filter than me... You may not want to watch if the idea of homosexuality makes you uncomfortable, or if you lack a sense of humor) and realized that being single isn't a terrible thing, and I have to face my need for someone and figure out why I want to be with someone.

Enjoying the sun on the bank of the river.

Of course, everything came to a boil when I started to realize that I may have left more feelings back home than just friendship. Thankfully, that's about the time the sun started peeking out too. So I went back to the Seine, to listen to the wake of the barges, feel the warmth of the sun, and breath in the moist, cool air.

Barge traffic on the river is starting to pick up again.

I wandered through the gardens, hoping the woody scent and shady trails might help me trace my emotions. All the sounds, smells, and textures help me center my existence and cut through all the excuses and justifications I make to myself.

Stone steps leading to the gazebo.

Detail on the gazebo roof.

In the end, I wrote him a letter. It helped me figure out what I want to have with him is a deep friendship, maybe more, later on. I haven't mailed the letter. Maybe I never will. I guess I'm in no rush to attach myself until I get home and we have time to figure it out together.

Friendship is easy. Companionship is hard. I guess that's just the curse of the Time Lords...